the way he makes me feel

His smell was comforting and the way he held me close, felt as if by one touch he took away all the pain and the fear I collected over the years only to replace it with a new but exciting feeling. Anytime I close my eyes it replays everything in my head, the tingling under my skin whenever his hands ran down my back, the way I got goosebumps from him holding my neck while he kissed me and when I laid in his arms it made me feel saver than I ever have.  There was something very special about him, something I have never found in a guy before. To me it seemed, as if he actually cared, he truly cared about the people around him in an honest way and he was not afraid about it. Non like me, I was afraid of showing I genuinely cared about too many people only for the simple reason that I have been hurt and left alone too often. This was not like the way people normally act when they start dating, it was more intimate but not in a physical way. It was the most incident type of being with another person and I loved it. Every second we spent together made me fall for this amazing man more and more. Not simply because he had that cute dimples in his cheeks when he smiled or those perfect eyes with that sparkle in them, more because that beautiful smile made my soul feel like it has never bled and his deep, brown eyes made me forget about the world, I could get lost in those eyes for hours. I never thought I could feel that way but he showed me what authors write novels and musicians sing songs about. Clearly he has no idea what he managed to do because I did not tell him that I closed my heart to everyone long before him for the cause of not being able to survive getting my soul cut open and my heart torn apart but then again, he marched into my life and made me forget about that fear.

With him I would not mind where I was, as long as he’s was there I could never be home and feel at home at the very same time. The thought about all that, scares me just because I do not know him for long and mostly talked to him via messages but for what it’s worth he concurred my heart without trying and without me noticing.

It’s unbelievable how he walked in, did not ask about my scares and just started picking up the shreds of my past, trying to put them all back together.

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catching up on my summer 2015

My summer started of pretty great. Happy about getting into my dream college and I just started falling for this special guy was more than I could ever imagine to happen to me.

My grandma got into hospital at the time I was visiting my brother in northern Germany. Sure, I still enjoyed my time there because I miss him very much and we get a long extremely well. His finance is charming and friendly and I could not help but start to love him as well. Nevertheless, I shortened my trip to Germany due to my mum flying back and forward all the time between Vienna (where my family and I live) and London (where my mum grew up and my grandma lives) and decided to tag along so I was able to spend some time with my granny. On our way to England, which we travelled by car, we stopped in Germany so I could see the guy (N.) I mentioned before, again. We haven’t seen each other for almost a month so you can imagine how excited I was about all of this.
That night it became clear,  I was falling for N.,  not because he looked good or because of his popularity, no I fell for his personality and the way he treated me. Being with him just made me feel loved and cared for and there is nothing I could possibly compare it to. Moving on, the time in London was mostly taken up by being in hospital but I don’t regret a single moment of it.

So since I have returned to Vienna I spent my time hanging out with friends and also with N. He came to stay in Vienna for a couple of days which really made this summer feel even more special.

Is this worth a long-distance relationship or should I just let it be and continue with my life like before? I don’t know, I have been thinking about this a lot lately because my feelings for him tell me I just have to hold on to this but my head says doing so will break my heart and crush me at some point. One way or another if you never try you will never know! For some reason I feel like I owe myself to let me be loved after a year of being lonely and struggling with all sort of personal issues.

Hope to see you all soon

lots of love

xoxoxoxoxo